I’ve been meaning to post this entry at the end of November 2023 as a caption for my usual monthly dump post on Instagram, but I thought it would be perfect to post it as the first blog entry for the year 2024. After all, as I was processing my emotions for a couple of weeks in the last few months, I knew God wasn’t finished with the story yet. And as the year 2024 comes, I couldn’t be more grateful to the Lord for having me wait for this day to share with you briefly how my year ended.

In the last quarter of 2023, God has been teaching me about faith. I had so many experiences that brought me to my knees and asked God to save me from the never-ending chaos in my life. As days pass, I realize that God was teaching me to trust Him even when circumstances tell me otherwise. It was a roller coaster ride, and then here comes November – the most devastating, frustrating, heart-wrenching month of my year.

Since the first day of November, I have been struggling hard. I was attacked in almost all aspects of my life — physical, mental, emotional, spiritual — but this one aspect of my life has been strained, crushed, and broken so hard that I couldn’t find any more strength to keep fighting. The fight was tough, and it got even more difficult as days passed by. My heart was so damaged that it triggered the relapse, whispering dark thoughts at night. I’ve done some things that I thought would keep me calm. I couldn’t sleep. I had to over-medicate myself just so I could forget, but when I woke up in the morning, the pain was still there. Loud and clear. I couldn’t eat – I don’t even know how I survived four days of not eating anything. My mind and body were so weak. The pieces of my broken heart were bleeding, shedding tears, and asking for help. Every day I asked God for strength and will to live, for my mind was clouded with negative thoughts that dictated my feelings and actions. We cannot deny the fact that whatever lingers in our mind, whatever we meditate, will turn on the switch of unwanted feelings. Every day I woke up with a heavy heart, literally. I can hear and feel my heart pounding against my chest. I couldn’t breathe well; I was gasping for air. I was drowning in my tears, day and night, even the time in between. I couldn’t focus. I didn’t want to talk to anybody. I wanted to isolate myself, but I knew I couldn’t survive alone.

Deep inside I was starting to realize that I could not control my situation, and nothing would be changed if I were the one to fix it, because I knew I couldn’t. I tried everything in my understanding and strength, but I just made everything worse. I thought I had it all figured out but actually, I didn’t. It was in darkness when I acknowledged I needed help. It was all too heavy, too much. I can’t live like this. I need God.

One morning I woke up with a pounding heart. I broke down and cried so hard like a lost little girl searching for her Father. God knows the situation of my heart; I cannot hide anything from Him. I was filled with anger, bitterness, regrets, and frustrations — all those negative emotions that drag you down to the pit of hatred and self-loathing — but I didn’t want these to stay in my heart any longer. I refused to be a prisoner of this giant named unforgiveness, so I ran to the Father and cried for help. With shaking, numb hands I opened my Bible and God comforted me with this verse from Jeremiah:

Instantly I felt God’s peace in my heart, and then I wanted more. As I was reading further God led me to a promising passage that I knew I would hold on to for the next days to come. He gave me these exact words: “Do not weep any longer, for I will reward you. Soon, what was taken will come back again. There is hope for your future.” My tears fell fast and my heart was struck in a soft, gentle manner. It’s God’s way of telling me to trust Him that He can do more than I could ever ask or imagine. This time I understood that He’s the only hope that I have. I am limited. My heart is easily swayed by the negative situations that are happening around me and I can make foolish decisions if I will listen to my fleeting feelings and focus on the crisis.

The first day of December came, and God was very gracious, faithful and so loving that He gave me another promise to claim: “Before this year ends, I will align everything according to my will.” God’s timing is always perfect. He knew what exact words I needed to be reassured. I cannot hide anything from the Lord. He sees my heart and He knows what has been bothering me and what burdens my heart. I decided to rely on God in everything I do and ask for His wisdom and instructions so that I may always choose what is right and not lean on my understanding. The whole month of December I was waiting for that promise to be fulfilled but my faith was tested because my situation at that time had not changed at all. It even got worse. I discovered so many things that crushed my heart even more. My heart was so broken. So much had happened, but I cannot spill every detail here so fast forward to 11 pm on December 30, 2023, I was weeping before God, questioning Him about His promise. “God, I thought you were going to align everything before this year ends, why is my situation getting worse?” I was inside the ranting zone that night. Doubt, worry, and fear will put us in desperation, and we’ll try to put back together the broken pieces of our lives in our own twisted way, forgetting that the only One who can make us whole again, good as new, is the One who created us. You see, when the heart is full of negative emotions, the mind gets hazed with more anxiety and we mull over the negative side of what is happening. All we see is the clutter, dirt, and chaos. We forget to realize that on the other side of the room, God is working. Cleaning our mess. God is doing His job, silently.

God spoke to me that night, heart to heart, to wait and have faith in Him for He will restore, repair, and rebuild my broken life. As human beings, we tend to focus more on what our eyes see. But faith teaches us to believe in what we do not see. To believe that God is more than able to do what seems impossible for us. In our own eyes, we see that there’s no possible way or solution to our problem, but in God’s eyes, there are a million ways. He said, “I parted the Red Sea, remember?” God is so gracious and merciful, He knows that my heart was so crushed that night almost losing hope, so He did what He had to do to calm me and remind me that He is true to His words.

Maybe God thought that in my weakest moment, I needed a sign from Him. I needed solace. So around 1:30 am on December 31, I received a text message that broke me into tears all the more, in a different way. It was a taste of my answered prayer. An appetizer before the milk and honey. After I read the text message, my shattered heart began to come together, slowly, piece by piece, being glued by the peace and comfort that comes from God. God wiped away my tears at that moment and whispered, “I love you, and I will fulfill every promise I have given you. You can sleep now.” Those were the sweetest, most comforting words I ever heard the entire year.

I was not even able to reply to the text message, for instantly I was gifted with a good night’s sleep. I woke up early in the morning, with so much gratefulness in my heart that I cried out again before God, expressing my gratitude to Him for what He has done in my life. In the past weeks, God has revealed to me who He truly is in my life. He assured me that I am worthy of love — His love, that surpasses all — despite my flaws, weaknesses, mistakes, and shortcomings. I fell in love with Him deeply and I desire to be more in love with Him, every second of my life.

Looking back to the past few months of the year 2023, I didn’t even imagine that I could survive all the pain, the hurt, the heartaches, the back-to-back trials and testings. All I can say is that it’s all by His grace, that I was able to overcome every single day. I couldn’t imagine my life without God. I can’t say all the details of how my year ended, but to give you a glimpse of my year-end-thanksgiving, I was able to greet 2024 with a calm and peaceful heart. God encountered me again and showed me His unconditional, relentless love. With this, I was able to forgive and love again, accept not only my flaws but also the frailties of others, and have the will to learn and grow from the mistakes of the past. As I continue the journey of my healing process, I leave everything behind – all the hurt, pain, and suffering – but bring with me the teachings of 2023 that helped me become stronger and more dependent on Christ. I am confident through faith that all will work out well for God holds my future and He is true to His Word. Every promise of God will be fulfilled in His perfect time.

I have so much to say, but I’ll leave some words for the next life update. 🙂 To end this post, I’d like to share with you this verse that fueled my hope for the past months:

We don’t have full control of what happens to us, and often we don’t know how to survive, but one thing’s for sure, if we fix our eyes on Jesus and let Him take the wheel, we will live a life of peace and joy with full confidence that God will take care of everything.

Everything will be okay, dear. Just trust the process and hold on to your faith. ♡